Ridiculous Things I Say to My Dogs
In addition to talking on behalf of Honey and Olive, I also say some other embarrassing things. It started out that I’d only talk like this in private, but over the years, I’ve apparently lost all sense of boundaries. You know how women get “mommy brain” when they have kids? Well, I seem to have “puppy brain.” Here are some examples of ridiculous things I say to my dogs…
“Funge” Pronounced “foo-nge”, like sponge with a “foo” in the front. And no, I don’t think this is a real word. Aaron made it up in reference to when Honey’s upper lip gets stuck and she looks all grumpy after she wakes up from a nap.
“Poopy Butt” As in “Olive looks like she has poopy butt”. I’m still not 100% convinced Olive will let us know when she needs to go out, and Honey likes to have mind/butt battles where she’ll try to hold it in all day. “Poopy butt” is what I tell Aaron when one of them needs to go out. Or when we’re on a walk and I’ll ask Olive or Honey, “Do you have poopy butt?”. Of course, they always answer me.
“Pee-Pee Massage” Yes, more potty talk, and always said in an absurd, high-pitched voice. This is what I say to Honey while I give her a belly rub before I take her outside. I like to think it expedites the 20+ minutes it often takes her to find a suitable pee spot and get over her neuroses about going to the bathroom. Freud would have had a field day with her.
“Turd” Wow, I did not realize the extent to which I talk about poop. When Olive sees a squirrel, bird, or anything she deems edible, she walks like a total turd. Her whole body language changes, she gets all tense, and walks in front of us. “Turd” is my code word to Aaron that he needs to get her under control. People walking by probably think I have Tourette’s.
“Gobble Gobble” This refers to the turkey-like jiggle Honey has under her chin. So.much.neck.fat. I love it.
“Doofus” Said in a goofy song-song voice, emphasizing each syllable – “Dooooooo-fuuuuuuus”. This is my nickname for Olive whenever she does something dumb, which is most of the time. Running into walls, getting stuck under the couch, not being able to find us when we call her (we live in a 2 bedroom apartment, yet she’ll often have to check every room before she can locate us).
Other stupid nicknames. Honey has at least 20, but these are usually on rotation: Monkey Butt, Honey Bunny, Puggle Pants. I’m totally nuts.
“Is that a puggle?!” When we moved from Boston to San Francisco (and then back again), we drove across the country so we wouldn’t have to put Honey (or ourselves) through the stress and anxiety of checking her on a plane. Although the puggle trend is pretty much over in most East and West coast cities, it seems the middle of the country is just catching on. People would literally come running over or stop their cars and exclaim “Oh my god! Is that a puggle?!” at least five times a day. Honey seemed to enjoy her celebrity status, so I still yell “Is that a puggle?!” whenever I want to get her riled up.
…
What’s something ridiculous you say to your pet? Please don’t leave me hangin’ here.
